Silent MASH
by Brave New Writer
Summary: Thank you guys so much for your reviews! The final chapter is now up!
1. Hawk's Reading WHAT?

"Attention, attention all personnel! The movie tonight is The Gold Rush, with Charlie Chaplin. Father Mulcahy will accompany on piano. It's tonight at 1900 hours. On another note, Lieutenant Campbell, your glasses were found in the nurses' shower."  
  
Trapper McIntyre looked up from the letter he was writing. "A silent? Haven't seen one of those since . . .since . . .ever!" "Better not fall asleep, everyone can hear your snores," Hawkeye Pierce said. Both Captains were sitting in their tent, affectionately called the "Swamp", just lounging around. "Pierce, McIntyre, has the mail arrived yet?" a voice bellowed. Hawk looked up at the door. Major Frank Burns, otherwise known as Ferret Face, stood there, blocking the sunlight. He squinted at Hawkeye. "Are you reading . . .what I THINK you're reading, Pierce?"  
  
Hawkeye was holding a National Geographic in his hands. "Wrong mailbag came in. Someone at the 8063rd is now getting pleasure from my Joy Of Nudity. I was hoping there would be at least ONE girl in a bikini in this," Hawkeye stated, leafing through the magazine. "Disgusting!" Frank spat, and left, slamming the door behind him. "Hey, Hawk? You planning on going to the movie?" Trapper asked, signing his name with a flourish. "Yeah, sure. I'm bringing this just in case," Hawk said, brandishing the National Geographic.  
  
"Mail call again, sirs!" Radar O'Reilly opened the door and immediately tripped over some clothes. "Nice, Radar. Give up my magazine!" Radar tossed Joy Of Nudity on Hawkeye's cot, and he eagerly snatched it up. "Nothing for you, Captain McIntyre sir. I'm sorry, sir." Trap shook his head. "It's alright, kid. Say, you going to the movie?" Radar paused. "I don't know sir. For some reason, silents make me nervous." He coughed, and then left. "I'm still bringing that National Geographic with me," Hawkeye said. "Why?" Hawk held up his magazine. It was in tatters. "Someone apparently went scissor-happy."  
  
That evening . . .  
  
"Need some help, Father?" Max Klinger asked. "Oh, no thank you, my . . .uh . . .son," the gentle chaplain said. Klinger was wearing a rather flattering white dress, complete with matching pumps and lace gloves. Father Mulcahy was struggling to pull the piano into the Mess Tent. He suddenly felt a push, and the piano slid easily through the door. "Evening, Father," Hawkeye said, smiling. The National Geographic was tucked under his right arm. "Why, thank you my son." "My pleasure." Trap appeared behind Hawk. "There are two empty seats right there," he said, pointing, "unless they're reserved for Ferret Face and Hot Lips." Hawkeye grinned. "I'm sure they can find a dark corner somewhere in the back." Hawk and Trap edged their way over and sat down. The commander, Henry Blake, made his way to the front of the room, and waved his arms for quiet. Sighing, he turned to Radar. "Quiet," Radar said shyly. Immediately, everyone stopped talking. Henry cleared his throat. "Uh, now, if Klinger will just hit the lights, we can start."  
  
Klinger switched the movie projector on. The film got as far as the title and then the projector shut down. "It'll just be a minute, folks!" Klinger yelled as he bent down to examine the machine. Hawkeye groaned. "This is gonna be a long night." Klinger managed to restart the projector, but then sparks emitted from it, and an alarming sound came forth. Hawkeye yawned, and, turning to Trapper, asked, "Wake me when Miss Klinger gets the thing going again, kay?" Trapper nodded. Hawkeye lay down on the bench, and closed his eyes. Trap picked up the National Geographic and placed it on Hawk's face. He was already snoring, and the most bizarre dream Hawkeye would ever have was about to begin. 


	2. Hawkeye's Dream Part One

A/N-subtitles are all CAPITAL LETTERS  
  
Hawkeye drifted off to sleep, and the most bizarre dream of his life began.  
  
A title screen, black and white and in poor quality, appears.  
  
SILENT M*A*S*H  
  
We see the M*A*S*H 4077th, but as it would appear in the 1920's. Doctors and nurses are walking around in old-fashioned uniforms and dresses. The camera pans to the Officer's Club, where there is obviously a rowdy party going on. Over in a corner, surrounded by men, is Margaret Houlihan, dressed in white with a gaudy hat.  
  
THE YOUNG, INNOCENT MARGARET ENJOYS A LAUGH WITH FELLOW OFFICERS.  
  
The camera pans to the other side of the room, where, lurking in the shadows, is our villain, Frank Burns, dressed in a black cape and hat, and wearing a handlebar moustache. He stares at Margaret and twists his moustache evilly.  
  
"I MUST HAVE LOVELY MARGARET TO MYSELF!"  
  
The scene cuts to the road just outside camp. We see a lone figure walking, waddling rather, towards camp. As the camera gets closer, we see that the man is wearing a rather large pair of army shoes, baggy army pants, a short-sleeved shirt, and a tight-fitting jacket. A cap is perched on his head, and his toothbrush moustache twitches. Our hero, Hawkeye Pierce, brave and gallant, stops to survey his new surroundings.  
  
"SO, THIS IS MY NEW HELL AWAY FROM HOME."  
  
Hawkeye picks up a suitcase by his feet, and walks into camp. He spots the CO's office, and waddles in. A young Corporal, Radar O'Reilly, is sitting at a desk scribbling something down onto a form. He has an old-fashioned phone propped up by his ear.  
  
"THE NEW SURGEON SHOULD BE HERE SOON, YES."  
  
Radar looks up and spots Hawkeye, and then hurriedly crosses out whatever he was writing.  
  
"UH, NEVER MIND SIR, HE'S HERE. YES, I WILL, SIR. GOODBYE SIR!"  
  
Radar stands up and shakes Hawkeye's outstretched hand. He points the way into the CO's office. Hawkeye tips his cap politely. As he walks in, the camera pans over to the desk of Henry Blake, who has his feet propped up on the desk, his derby over his eyes.  
  
HENRY BLAKE, BUSY WITH HIS INSPECTIONS AS USUAL, IS INSPECTING THE INSIDES OF HIS EYELIDS.  
  
Hawkeye pauses for a moment, then smiles and goes behind Henry. He picks up Henry's right hand and dips it into a glass of water sitting nearby. Henry wakes up with a start.  
  
"WHAT THE . . .OH, THANK GOD. YOU THE NEW SURGEON?"  
  
Hawkeye nods, and picks up his suitcase. Henry gets out of his chair and leads Hawkeye out of the office and to his tent. Just after they enter Hawkeye's tent, we get a quick shot of the sign over the doorway. The word "Swamp" is scrawled out in crayon.  
  
"THIS IS WHERE YOU'LL BE STAYING, ALONG WITH TRAPPER MCINTYRE AND FRANK BURNS."  
  
A man is sleeping on a cot. Henry goes over to him and shakes him awake. He points to Hawkeye, who has found his cot and is now attempting to unlock his suitcase. Henry makes angry gestures at the man. After he leaves, the man walks over to Hawkeye, who is still having trouble opening his suitcase.  
  
"HOWDY, FRIEND. NAME'S TRAPPER. NEED SOME HELP?"  
  
Hawkeye smiles appreciatively and steps aside. Trapper unlocks the suitcase with ease, and then both men duck as clothes fly all over the tent.  
  
"MAYBE I PACKED TOO MUCH," HAWKEYE THINKS ALOUD.  
  
Trapper mouths, "No kidding." The two start picking up all of Hawkeye's clothes. When they are through, Trapper decides to show Hawkeye around. Just outside the tent door, they bump into Frank, who is coming from the Officer's Club. Frank glares at them.  
  
"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, NITWITS!"  
  
Trapper makes a face at Frank when his back is turned, and then beckons to Hawkeye to come with him.  
  
"THAT'S FRANK BURNS. IGNORE HIM, HE'S A QUACK."  
  
Hawkeye and Trapper decide to go to the Officer's Club. The party is just as wild as ever. Hawkeye spots Margaret, and immediately appears faint. Trapper rolls his eyes and grabs Hawkeye's arm, dragging him over to the bar.  
  
"THAT GIRL . . .WHAT IS HER NAME?"  
  
Trapper looks over.  
  
"DON'T EVEN BOTHER. MARGARET HOULIHAN IS UNTOUCHABLE."  
  
Hawkeye doesn't respond, and stares at Margaret fanning herself. He doesn't even notice when the bartender sets a martini down in front of him. He turns around, gulps it down, and then heads out the door and back to the Swamp. Luckily, Frank is not there.  
  
"I KNOW JUST HOW TO WIN HER! GIRLS ALWAYS FALL FOR POETRY, SO I'LL JUST WRITE A BEAUTIFUL POEM!"  
  
Hawkeye takes out a sheet of paper and a pencil. He pauses for a moment, and then begins to write. The poem is an obvious rip-off of Shakespeare's "Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day?" When Hawkeye is finished, he holds the paper up and reads the poem to himself. Trapper walks in and takes the paper out of Hawkeye's hands.  
  
"I HAVE NEWS FOR YA. FRANK JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE SWEET ON 'ER, AND HE'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET HIS WAY."  
  
Outside, Frank is heading back to the Swamp from *ahem* Margaret's tent. He stops and listens to Hawkeye and Trapper's conversation. Frank realizes he has a rival for Margaret's love interest.  
  
"I MUST STOP PIERCE BEFORE, AND IF EVER, HE ATTEMPTS TO WOO MARGARET!"  
  
Frank turns around and heads back to the Officer's Club.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED . . . 


	3. Hawkeye's Dream Part Two

A/N-subtitles are in CAPITAL LETTERS  
  
It is evening. Hawkeye and Trapper go over to the Mess Tent to eat. Hawkeye makes a face at the food.  
  
"WHAT IS . . .THIS CRAP?"  
  
Trapper grins. He points to the cook, who doesn't look very nice, and Hawkeye nods understandably. He gains a faraway look again as Margaret walks into the Mess Tent.  
  
"THERE SHE IS AGAIN. I MUST TALK TO HER!"  
  
Hawkeye edges his way over to Margaret's table. He doesn't notice Frank coming from the opposite direction. They both reach the table at the same time and try to sit in the same spot. Frank snarls.  
  
"CAPTAIN PIERCE, THIS IS MY SEAT!"  
  
Hawkeye backs away, then smiles and gives a mock salute.  
  
"SO SORRY FOR TRYING TO HORN IN ON A SUPERIOR OFFICER'S SEAT!"  
  
Hawkeye goes behind Margaret and whispers in her ear, and then leaves the Mess Tent. Margaret stares after him with that same dreamy look. Of course, Frank notices.  
  
"UH . . .MARGARET? THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU FOR A LONG TIME NOW . . ."  
  
Frank is cut off as a nurse rushes into the tent and goes over to Margaret.  
  
"YOUR PATIENT IS COMPLAINING OF ABDOMINAL PAIN, MAJOR."  
  
Margaret nods and leaves the Mess Tent. Frank stares after her forlornly.  
  
"HOW I LONG TO KISS THOSE BEAUTIFUL LIPS . . .IF ONLY I HAD THE CHANCE TO TELL MARGARET MY TRUE FEELINGS!"  
  
The scene cuts to Post-Op, where Hawkeye is sitting on a bed talking to a wounded soldier. He looks up just as Margaret walks in. He smiles.  
  
"FINALLY! HERE'S MY CHANCE TO GET TO KNOW THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS!"  
  
Hawkeye gives the soldier a reassuring pat on the arm, and then waddles over to where Margaret is looking over a medical chart. Hawkeye steps behind her, peering over her shoulder. She senses that someone is behind her, and turns around.  
  
"OH, PIERCE! YOU SURPRISED ME!"  
  
Hawkeye grins and waves his hand.  
  
"PLEASE CALL ME HAWKEYE, MARGARET."  
  
Margaret gives a small smile, and then turns back to the chart. Hawkeye senses that something is worrying her.  
  
"WHAT'S WRONG MY DAR . . .I MEAN, WHAT'S WRONG, MAJOR?"  
  
Margaret (presumably giving a sigh) answers him.  
  
"IT'S CORPORAL SWEENEY. YESTERDAY, HE HAD A ROUTINE APPENDECTOMY, AND NOW HE'S RUNNING A FEVER AND COMPLAINING OF PAIN."  
  
Hawkeye pauses for a second, and then sits on the corporal's bed. The camera gets a shot of a haggard-looking soldier who has a brave face on, but the way his eyes are shut betrays the amount of pain he is feeling. Hawkeye begins to talk.  
  
"LISTEN TO ME, CORPORAL. ALL YOU HAD WAS YOUR APPENDIX TAKEN OUT. I CAN JUST IMAGINE THE PAIN YOU'RE FEELING RIGHT NOW. BUT, NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL AN APPENDECTOMY CAN BE, THAT THROBBING PAIN DOESN'T COMPARE TO WHAT YOU WOULD FEEL AFTER HAVING A TON OF SHRAPNEL REMOVED FROM YOUR BELLY. YOU'LL PULL THROUGH. IT'S THE OTHER GUYS IN HERE I'M WORRIED ABOUT."  
  
The corporal gives a pain-filled smile. Hawkeye gets up and walks back over to Margaret.  
  
"ARE YOU STILL WORRIED? SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT AFTER MY LITTLE TALK, SWEENEY'S GONNA BE FEELING BETTER AND BETTER."  
  
Margaret allows herself a grin. She looks very impressed. The scene cuts to the CO's office. Henry, wearing the same outfit as before, is connecting paper clips together. Radar barges in.  
  
"SORRY, COLONEL BLAKE! I NEED YOU TO SIGN THIS PAPER SO WE CAN GET MORE PAPER ON ACCOUNT OF WE DIDN'T GET ENOUGH PAPER LAST MONTH."  
  
Henry is startled. His eyes widen in shock.  
  
"GOOD LORD, RADAR . . .I'M BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND YOU! THE MOST MYSTERIOUS THINGS HAPPEN SOMETIMES . . ."  
  
Radar nods agreeably and hands Henry the paper, along with a pen.  
  
"YES, SIR!"  
  
Radar, apparently hearing something out in his office, scurries out, only to have Frank coming in at the exact same moment.  
  
"COLONEL BLAKE, I HAVE SOMETHING OF THE UPMOST IMPORTANCE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT!"  
  
Henry continues to make a paper clip chain.  
  
"WELL, CONSIDERING IT'S YOU FRANK, IT CAN'T BE THAT IMPORTANT."  
  
Frank is momentarily stopped, but then he clears his throat and starts again.  
  
"AS I WAS SAYING, COLONEL, THE MORALE OF THE CAMP IS AT AN ALLTIME LOW, AND . . ."  
  
Henry makes an instant retort.  
  
"I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY . . .UNLESS . . .OF COURSE!"  
  
He snaps his fingers.  
  
"MAYBE IT'S THE MERE PRESENCE OF A CERTAIN MAJOR PAIN-IN-THE . . ."  
  
Frank gasps.  
  
"COLONEL! WE'RE TRYING TO KEEP THIS A PG FANFIC! NOW, ABOUT THE MORALE. I WAS THINKING OF HAVING A TALENT CONTEST."  
  
Henry is genuinely shocked. He takes a few moments to compose himself.  
  
"OKAY, HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING FROM THE STILL, FRANK? YOU KNOW HOW THAT STUFF AFFECTS YOUR MIND."  
  
Frank shakes his head "No" emphatically.  
  
"I'M A REAL SOFTY AT HEART, HONEST TO GOD! A TALENT CONTEST WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA!"  
  
Henry does some real thinking for once, and after a while, looks up at Frank again.  
  
"ALRIGHT, FRANK. YOU GOT YOUR CONTEST. SATURDAY OKAY?"  
  
Frank nods, and then twists his moustache purely out of habit. He gives Henry a salute, and then leaves the office. He stops at Radar's desk. Radar has his feet up on the desk and a cigar in his mouth. He jumps when he notices Frank.  
  
"DON'T JUST SIT THERE, CORPORAL O'REILLY! ON SATURDAY, WE'RE HOLDING A TALENT CONTEST, AND IT'S THURSDAY NOW! GET BUSY!"  
  
Radar gives a quivering salute, which Frank completely ignores, heading out the door instead. Once outside, he begins rubbing his hands together.  
  
"ALL I HAVE TO DO IS FIND OUT WHAT THAT NINCOMPOOP PIERCE'LL DO FOR THE CONTEST, AND THEN I'LL GAG HIM AND LOCK HIM UP IN THE SUPPLY TENT. I'LL DISGUISE MYSELF AS PIERCE, AND DO WHATEVER HE'LL DO, THEREBY WINNING MARGARET'S HEART!"  
  
Frank looks directly into the camera.  
  
"HOW'S THAT FOR PLOT EXPOSITION?"  
  
Frank smirks at the thought of his plan and walks to the Swamp.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED . . . 


	4. Hawkeye's Dream Part Three

A/N-all sub . . .you know this by now, right?  
  
* = A flapper was a girl back in the 1920's who cut her hair, wore all the latest fashions, and tried things that previously had only been open to men. The typical flapper wore a short skirt, blouse, and a hat called the cloche. Just imagine Gilligan's hat and that's what a cloche looked like.  
  
** = I borrowed this from my science teacher.  
  
"ATTENTION ALL PERSONNEL! THIS SATURDAY, THERE IS TO BE A TALENT CONTEST HELD IN THE OFFICER'S CLUB. IF YOU WANT TO SHOW OFF YOUR TALENT, PLEASE SIGN UP. A SIGNUP SHEET WILL BE POSTED ON THE BULLETIN BOARD."  
  
Hawkeye is sitting in the Swamp reading a dirty magazine and sipping from a martini glass. He looks up at Trapper, who is fiddling around with the Still.  
  
"WHY ARE YOU FIDDLING AROUND WITH THE STILL?"  
  
Trapper glances over.  
  
"THAT LAST BATCH WAS TOO GINNY FOR MY TASTE. I'M TRYING TO GET A LITTLE VERMOUTH IN HERE."  
  
Hawkeye nods and leafs through his magazine. He holds it up for Trapper to see.  
  
"LOOK AT THIS ONE, TRAP."  
  
Trapper looks and a grin spreads across his face. Frank bursts in.  
  
"DID YOU TWO HALF-WITS HEAR THAT ANNOUNCEMENT?"  
  
Trapper smiles.  
  
"ACTUALLY, WE'RE EACH A QUARTER WIT. TOGETHER, WE MAKE ONE HALF-WIT."  
  
Hawkeye laughs. Frank glares at both of them.  
  
"SURE, LAUGH. MAYBE YOU TWO JOKESTERS COULD MAKE FOOLS OF YOURSELVES AT THE TALENT SHOW. YOUR WIN WOULD BE GUARANTEED!"  
  
Hawkeye and Trapper glance at each other. Hawkeye looks back at Frank.  
  
"ACTUALLY, I'M GONNA SING. I WAS THINKING MAYBE A VAUDEVILLE TUNE."  
  
Frank can barely hide his excitement.  
  
"WHAT SONG? WHAT SONG?"  
  
Hawkeye, a little taken aback from Frank's abnormal interest, shrugs.  
  
"HAVEN'T DECIDED YET."  
  
However, Hawkeye HAS already decided on the song. After Frank leaves, he starts to sing a few bars of "I've Got You Under My Skin", with the words appearing separately. The scene cuts to the Officer's Club. It's now Friday, and everyone is getting ready for the talent contest. Father Mulcahy, wearing the traditional priest clothing, is practicing a little ragtime on the piano, the only thing that can be heard. Klinger, wearing a typical *flapper outfit, walks up to him.  
  
"YOU SURE DO LOVE THAT PIANO, FATHER!"  
  
Father Mulcahy looks up from the music and at the ceiling.  
  
"SOMEONE GAVE ME TALENT."  
  
Klinger nods wisely. Then he turns around and models for the chaplain.  
  
"HOW DO YOU LIKE MY DRESS, FATHER? FOR THE CONTEST, I'M SHOWIN' OFF MY SEWING SKILLS."  
  
Father Mulcahy is obviously trying to think of something to say that won't hurt Klinger's feelings.  
  
"UH . . .BEAUTIFUL, KLINGER. LOVE THE HAT."  
  
Klinger smiles, salutes, and marches off. A little ways, he stops to readjust his skirt. Father Mulcahy shakes his head and looks up again.  
  
"DEAR GOD . . .PLEASE MAKE KLINGER'S PRAYERS COME TRUE. PLEASE GIVE HIM THE SECTION 8 THAT HE NEEDS BADLY."  
  
It's lunchtime, and once again, Frank and Hawkeye are competing for Margaret's attention. In the lunch line, Frank grabs two trays, gets both filled, and hurries over to Margaret's table. Margaret graciously accepts her tray. Hawkeye takes a napkin and spreads it on Margaret's lap. Then he brushes the table off.  
  
"THE MAJOR DOESN'T HAVE TO EAT IN SUCH FILTH."  
  
Hawkeye looks at Frank.  
  
"DID YOU HEAR ME, FERRET FACE? SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO EAT WITH SO MUCH FILTH AROUND. SO, MOVE!"  
  
Frank grumbles to himself and gets up. He decides to go to the Swamp and fish around for any clues as to what Hawkeye is doing for the contest. After several minutes of making the Swamp look even worse, Frank discovers a piece of paper under Hawkeye's pillow. It has the lyrics to "I've Got You Under My Skin". Frank is obviously pleased.  
  
"GOOD! I ALREADY KNOW THIS SONG, SO THIS'LL BE A PIECE OF CAKE! **A SLICE OF PIE!"  
  
Frank spots Hawkeye and Trapper coming and hurriedly replaces the paper.  
  
Saturday morning . . .  
  
Everybody is crowded into the Officer's Club. Radar is rushing around to make sure all of the contestants are there. We see that the last name on his list is Hawkeye's. Radar looks around for him. Then, the scene cuts to the Supply Tent, where Frank, cleverly disguised as Hawkeye, is tying up the real Hawkeye. Hawk is wearing only an undershirt, boxer shorts, and army socks.  
  
"UNTIE ME! YOUR PLAN'LL NEVER WORK!"  
  
Frank cackles with delight.  
  
"YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT THE SONG I'LL BE SINGING HAPPENS TO BE MARGARET'S FAVORITE TUNE! SHE'LL SWOON WHEN SHE HEARS IT!"  
  
Hawkeye struggles fiercely to escape, but Frank only gives him a swift kick and leaves, locking the door behind him. Meanwhile, Radar is still looking for Hawkeye. He looks relieved when he sees who he THINKS is Hawkeye approaching him.  
  
"I'M HERE, AND READY TO SING!"  
  
Radar looks at him funny.  
  
"YOU OKAY, CAPTAIN? YOUR VOICE SOUNDS DIFFERENT."  
  
Frank mentally kicks himself for using his real voice, but then comes up with a quick excuse.  
  
"THROAT'S A LITTLE SORE, THAT'S ALL."  
  
Radar nods, but looks like he doesn't buy it.  
  
"OKAY, YOU'RE ON AFTER FATHER MULCAHY."  
  
Frank smiles and when Radar's gone, he rubs his hands together. Meanwhile, we're back in the Supply Tent, where Hawkeye is hopping to the door and slamming his body against it repeatedly.  
  
"HELLO, HELLO? ANYBODY OUT THERE? I NEED HELP!"  
  
TO BE CONTINUED . . . 


	5. Hawkeye's Dream Part Four

A/N-Know what? I'm not even gonna bother this time. Oh wait . . .one thing. This chapter is definitely PG-13 for attempted rape and mild swearing.  
  
The Officer's Club is packed with personnel. It's Frank's turn, and as he comes on stage, he spots Margaret in the audience, slowly fanning herself. He motions to Father Mulcahy to start the music. (A/N-I don't know the words to "I've Got You Under My Skin", so no subtitles. 'Kay? 'Kay.) Trapper is listening to Frank sing, and the suspicion is starting to show on his face. He turns and quietly leaves the Officer's Club, looking for the real Hawkeye.  
  
"HAWKEYE? HAWK, WHERE ARE YA?"  
  
The scene cuts to the Supply Tent, where Hawkeye is still ramming his body against the door. Exhausted, he slides to the floor.  
  
"GOD DAMN IT . . .FRANK'S A NUT. MARGARET WILL BE ABLE TO SEE RIGHT THROUGH HIM!"  
  
Back at the Officer's Club, it's apparent that Margaret has completely fallen for Frank's disguise. As the song ends, she makes her way to the stage and Frank lifts her up. She gives him a quick kiss.  
  
"OH, CAPTAIN PIERCE . . .YOU ARE JUST THE MOST . . ."  
  
Margaret trails off as she looks at his face. The moustache is painted on, and some paint is on Margaret's face. She narrows her eyes.  
  
"WHAT THE HE . . .AAAHHHH!"  
  
Margaret screams as Frank takes his disguise off, picks Margaret up, and carries her to the Minefield. Trapper, still looking for Hawkeye, hears her scream.  
  
"I KNEW IT!"  
  
Trap then hears yelling coming from inside the Supply Tent. He unlocks the door, and finds a bruised and banged-up Hawkeye. Hawk's face lights up.  
  
"THANK GOD! WE GOTTA STOP FRANK! HERE, UNTIE ME, QUICK!"  
  
Trapper gets to work. Meanwhile, Frank and Margaret are in the middle of the Minefield, where Margaret's hands and feet are bound. Frank laughs.  
  
"THERE'S NO USE TRYING TO ESCAPE, MY SWEET! EVEN IF YOU DO MANAGE TO GET UNTIED, YOU DON'T KNOW THE WAY AROUND THE MINEFIELD. ONE STEP, AND YOU'LL BE BLOWN TO BITS!"  
  
Margaret's eyes widen, and she screams even louder. Frank prepares to . . .well, you know. She struggles fiercely as we cut to just outside the Supply Tent. Hawkeye, now completely untied and dressed, runs to where the screams are coming from. As he nears, he sees Frank, shirt off, undoing Margaret's corset. Anger spreads across his face.  
  
"DAMN IT, FRANK! WHAT THE HELL D'YA THINK YOU'RE DOING?"  
  
Hawkeye breaks into a run, holding his fist out. He runs right into Frank, slamming his fist into his stomach. Frank closes his eyes and faints. Hawk unties Margaret, and they are about to kiss, when suddenly . . .  
  
"NOT SO FAST, PIERCE! MARGARET'S MINE!"  
  
Frank is back up, and has revealed a gun. He points it straight at Hawkeye's heart.  
  
"ONE WRONG MOVE, AND ITS GOODBYE!"  
  
Margaret clings to Hawkeye's arm as he glares at Frank. Hawk suddenly gets an idea, seeing a certain somebody coming up behind Frank. He grabs Margaret and pulls her towards Frank.  
  
"I'M SORRY. SERVES ME RIGHT, GOING AGAINST A MAJOR'S ORDERS."  
  
Margaret is understandably confused, but Frank grins and grabs Margaret's hand. He holds her close, still pointing the gun at Hawkeye. Hawk looks just beyond Frank's head, and winks at the person behind him. Frank is about to pull the trigger, when Radar, yes, Radar, conks him on the head with a clipboard. Frank drops the gun, which Radar picks up and throws into the bushes. He turns to Hawkeye and Margaret and grins sheepishly.  
  
"UH . . .I KNOW I DROPPED CHARACTER THERE, BUT FERRET FACE WAS REALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES. I MEAN REALLY!"  
  
Hawk and Margaret happily embrace, and cautiously walk through the Minefield, leaving Frank there. Hawkeye turns to Margaret, and Radar shields his eyes with the clipboard, knowing what's about to happen. Hawk and Margaret look deep into each other's eyes, and their lips touch in a passionate kiss. One more subtitle comes up.  
  
THE END  
  
"Hawkeye? Hey, Hawk. Rise and shine!" 


	6. The UnAmerican Dream

Hawkeye sat up and yawned. A yawning Trapper was shaking him awake. It was obvious that he had gone to sleep too. "Sheesh, it took Klinger THIS long to fix the projector?"  
  
Henry walked over to him. "Nope. You guys slept through the whole movie. Too bad, too. It was great."  
  
Trap rubbed his eyes. "You're kidding me. You mean to say that I locked lips with the most gorgeous girl in the world for two hours straight?" Henry rolled his eyes. "Guess so."  
  
Hawk grinned. "Well, I didn't miss the movie. I didn't miss it at all." Henry looked puzzled, and then decided not to ask him about it.  
  
Later . . .  
  
"Tish tosh!" Frank said scornfully. Hawkeye had been telling him and Trapper about his dream. Frank got up, and Hawk and Trap groaned simultaneously, knowing a rant was coming. "I know what a normal dream sounds like, and this is NOT a normal dream. A perfectly normal, American dream has you rich, with a nice house and car, a loving family, and happy relationships." Hawkeye nudged Trapper. "I think Ferret Face is referring to THE American Dream." Frank sighed and kept talking. "An . . .abnormal dream like yours would only be dreamt by a Commie!"  
  
"Yes, Frank. I kept it a secret for as long as I could. I admit it. I'm really North Korean!" Hawkeye said, more than a hint of sarcasm in his voice. Trap started laughing, and Frank angrily grabbed his helmet and yelled," Oh, phooey to youey!" Hawkeye sat back down in his cot, and an idea slowly came to him. "Hey, Trap! An idea just popped into my head."  
  
Wait a minute . . .I said, an idea SLOWLY came to him, it didn't pop into his head!  
  
Hawk looks at the camera.  
  
"I don't have to go by what you type, ya know!"  
  
Oh yes, you do.  
  
"Why?"  
  
Because, I'm the author. Now stick to what I'm typing, or my next story will have a Hawkeye/Frank pairing. You don't want THAT, do you?  
  
"No, ma'am."  
  
Good. Now to get on with the story . . .  
  
"What's your idea?" Trapper asked. Hawkeye stuck his tongue out at the camera, and then turned to Trap. "There's this costume shop in Seoul. It has all kinds of old clothes. I was thinking . . ." 


	7. Operation: Silent

"Okay, everyone knows the plan. I wonder if Henry will sober up in time." Hawkeye said, holding a jar in his right hand. Trapper looked over at him, struggling to get his costume on. "What's that ya got?"  
  
Hawkeye tossed the jar up in the air several times. "It's greasepaint. What, you thought Groucho Marx GREW that moustache?" He nodded at Frank, who was sound asleep on his cot. "Thanks to that whopper of an appendectomy, the Lipless Wonder is now conked out and won't be trying to convert Koreans to Americanism for a couple hours." Hawk reached under his cot and brought out a bag. He opened it and took out a long, black cape. "Time for Operation: Silent to begin."  
  
2 hours later . . .  
  
Frank slowly opened his eyes. Now, being the self-believed deeply observant man that he was, he didn't notice anything different. Frank staggered to his feet and left the Swamp. A Lieutenant bumped into him just outside. Frank saluted and waited for the Lieutenant to return the salute. She simply smiled and nodded curtly. Frank noticed that her motions were slightly exaggerated. As she walked away, he took in her outfit. The Lieutenant was wearing a very old-fashioned dress, including a cloche. Frank stood there pondering for a moment, and then shrugged it off, deciding to reprimand her at dinner. He turned around, only to meet face to face with Radar. Radar saluted, and, pushing a derby over his eyes, quickly walked away. Frank now realized, looking around, that everyone was wearing a typical twenties outfit and exaggerating their movements. He decided to take action, and headed straight for Henry's office.  
  
"Colonel Blake, something very strange is going on around . . ." Frank began as he barged in his office. " . . .here."  
  
Sitting in the office were three people. Henry was dressed in a brown derby, white shirt, and pinstripe pants. He had his legs up on his desk and was smoking a cigar. In the two chairs facing the desk were a man and a woman. The woman, dressed in an outfit that Frank vaguely remembered Klinger wearing once, turned around and twirled her lace parasol. Frank gasped. "Major Houlihan? What are you doing out of uniform? Although, I must say, that's a beautiful dress . . .oh, what the hell am I saying?" The man turned around. He was dressed all in black, with enormous shoes and a toothbrush moustache. There was something about those blue eyes . . .  
  
"Captain Pierce?"  
  
The man nodded and grinned. Frank was genuinely confused; he had such an idiotic look on his face, Hawkeye wished he had his camera with him. He laid a hand on Margaret's shoulder, and she smiled serenely. They leaned close to each other, and kissed. This was too much for Frank to handle. He turned on his heel and half-strode, half-ran, to the Swamp. Hawkeye followed him, turning his feet outward so that he waddled like a duck. Frank reached the Swamp and gazed in the mirror. "Oh, my God!"  
  
He had a moustache. Around his neck was a cape. Panicking, he started rubbing at his face, and was relieved to see that the moustache easily came off. Hawkeye, joined by Trapper, was still outside the Swamp, laughing his head off. "If there was a Nobel Prize for pranking, I'd be a shoe-in!"  
  
Hawkeye started wiping off the greasepaint he had smeared above his upper lip. Trapper clapped his hand on Hawk's back. "You are the prince of pranks, my friend." "Don't you mean the KING of pranks?" A subtitle card popped up, reading,  
  
OUR HEROS PREVAIL ONCE AGAIN.  
  
Hawk and Trap stared blankly at each other, and then looked at the camera. "Um, Miss Author, lady, ma'am, sir?"  
  
Zzzzz . . .hmm? Wha . . .oh, my cue!  
  
A crude sign is shown, hand included, in front of the camera. It just says two words.  
  
The End 


End file.
